February 26th, 2001


What to do?

I called my stepmother to wish her a happy birthday today. What's the importance of that you ask? Until last November I had never called her and only talked to her briefly when in the course of calling my dad. You see I didn't get along with her and truthfully she's the reason I moved out here to Barstow from Merced. I didn't quite have much choice since if I had stay in Merced one of two things would happened: I would have killed myself or her. I'm not joking. At that point in my life I was so depressed and angry I could have snapped at any time. But now that's all changed a bit.

You see back on my birthday in November my dad called me and at the very end of the conversation I told him that I was gay. To my great suprise he sounded honestly shocked. Apparently he's the only one who never figured it out. (He's on a world of denial in respect to several things.) Anyway, he kind of stuttered a few words and said he had to hang up. I called him back about a week later asking if he wanted to talk about it and he said he couldn't. I got really worried about what this was doing to him but I couldn't really do anything about it at that point.

In the card he sent for Christmas he said while he couldn't exactly understand why I made this choice (argh, it's not a choice damnit!) but he did respect it and loved me. More to the point, he said it was my stepmother who made him see that it was my life and choice. After reading that I had to revise a lot of my thinking and felt very uncomfortable doing so. I hate to admit this but I hold grudges. Hell, I nurse and thrill at grudges so anything messing up my little world of it is like a slap upside the head. So here I am remembering all the things and feeling I went through back then and now having to see another side of her and trying to reconcile the two very different aspects to her. I felt very uncomfortable talking to her no matter how briefly it was and kept expecting something bad to happen -- which didn't of course. Now I'm at a loss of what to feel. Yes, she did something really cool but I simply can't forget anything that happened before. The whole grudge thing you see. So what am I going to do? I just don't know right now.
  • Current Mood: confused

(no subject)

Loved tonight's Daria. It's about time Daria admitted just how much she is like a "normal" girl under that cynical and sometimes bitter shell. Not that she haves to give up any of her typical persona but at least try to explore other sides of herself. Yeah I know, it's just a cartoon but I've always sort of identified with Daria -- except that she's intellegent and has a boyfriend. heh heh
  • Current Mood: happy
  • Current Music: Monaco - What Do You Want From Me?