July 6th, 2001


Just thinking

mokie had mentioned something on anger in a post of hers and I stopped to think on how I deal with that emotion. But in doing so I have to consider how I deal with sadness as well since for me the latter lead to the former once upon a time. When I was younger (say pre-16 yrs old) I rarely got mad and even when I got so, I never showed it. Then came the period when I got depressed. Depressed because I felt I had no future, not being able to see my mom since she'd left and moved 300 miles away, over wondering why I was gay, my stepmother being a bitch to me, etc... I looked fine on the outside. I never showed how I felt, just walked around with a smile plastered on my face. I went to school, did the band thing and whatnot. But when I got home I'd go to my room, close my door, crawl on my bed and cry. And cry. And cry. I got to where I couldn't see how I'd get out of the mess I'd made for myself internally.

Then one day while in the midst of a crying session something weird happened: I got angry. Angry that I was gay. Angry my mom moved away. Angry at my stepmother. Angry with life in general. Now, anger isn't the best of emotions but damn if it didn't give me an outlet out of depression. Instead of coming home and crying I'd go in my room and punch closet doors, walls and such. I could cope now! I moved in with my mom after graduation which solved a few things like being close to mom and no more stepmother [which is a good thing because it got to the point where one of two things was going to happen: 1) commit suicide 2) commit murder and I wasn't that hard up for a boyfriend in jail.]

There was an unfortunate side-effect of this all though. I don't get sad more. If I hear on the news about some poor kid that was murdered I wouldn't feel sad because I simple can't feel that any more. I'll just say "hmmm? oh, too bad" and switch channels. As for anger, well, I still get annoyed and hold grudges (heh, I'm a frickin' grudge-freak) but I really don't get angry any more it seems. Rage is almost a foreign concept for me. It's like I used it all up in that bleak period.
  • Current Music
    Eurythmics - "I've tried everything"