squeek, go for the eyes, boo

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from a post by thistles

Things I MUST remember as a dog:

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, deer, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and shoving my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
13. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
14. I will not fart in my owner's face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
15. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
16. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
17. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
18. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
19. The cat is not a squeaky toy so, when I play with him and when he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
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